My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I still have a little drunk in my system
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
