well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
