They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
