I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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