I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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