I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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