she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
