it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
