Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
