FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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