tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
