You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
