just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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