Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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