omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
