Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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