kristin has been a bad kristin
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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