It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
