She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
