i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
