i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
