You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
