theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
