im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
