I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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