I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
