is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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