I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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