I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
