You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
