I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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