i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
