So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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