I feel great
I just peed on a car
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
