franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
