Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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