I hate all girls vehemently.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He shit in the fireplace
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
