Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
