Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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