Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
