apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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