Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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