When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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