i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
