Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
