booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
