Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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