you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
