So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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