I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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