i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
